What Am i Afraid of?
The one true thing I am afraid of is dying.
I’ve always had the fear of dying. I don’t have a clue where my fear comes from.
It’s inevitable,I know this. That it’s coming to all of us. I just can’t get my head around that one day our heart just stops. Our lives end, thats it, you are gone, become a memory. That the world just carries on. That scares the living day lights out of me.
I’m afraid of leaving things left undone, words unsaid. Not fulfilling my dreams and ambitions.
The thought of leaving my children without a Mum, my Dad without a Daughter, My Husband without a Wife. How will they cope? Does my husband know how our sons don’t like certain things? Does my Dad know how to work a certain piece of technology?
OMG! How will I know what happens in Walking Dead or Game of Thrones?
I was with my Mum when she died. She was 57, no age at all. My Mum had been poorly all my life. She died unexpectedly in hospital. That night she died. My Dad and I went to visit her. I’d never seen her like this before. She was unsettled, panicky. All she wanted was my Dad. She clung onto him.
My Mum went into cardiac arrest. Doctors gave my Dad and I a choice. We could ventilate Mum or let her go. If we ventilated her, there was no guarantee she would come out of it without brain damage. We decided to let her go.
I was right beside her, hold her hand and talking utter crap to her, letting her know she wasn’t alone. Telling her how much I loved her, that it was ok to let go. We knew she was tired.
She laid there on the hospital bed, her breaths becoming shorter and further apart. The sound of the ‘death rattle’ is just that, it rattles. You know the end is near. Her lips turned blue. That was it. My Mum had gone. It was so peaceful. Not scary in the slightest.
I think my Mum knew she was dying that night. She had always been a strong, independent woman. That night she was needy and vulnerable.
I always wonder what happens to us all after we die. Do the lights just go out? Where do we go? Do we feel anything? Do we see a light?
I guess its the that i’m afraid of!
I’d love to hear what you are afraid of…
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